Pelik...Weird...

Setelah sekian lama, akhirnya aku menerima pelawaan rakan2 untuk turut serta dalam sebuah program kebudayaan. Rindu rasanya untuk bersama dengan semua dan bergelak ketawa bagai tiada apa yang membelengu jiwa. Tapi dua malam sepanjang persiapan untuk program tersebut aku rasakan sangat pelik dan meruntun perasaan. Aku tidak tau dia berada di sana.

I thought I was ok. I thought I have passed that stage where I might freak out and be stunned, not able to move a muscle. But I was wrong, I was definitely wrong. When I found out that he was there, I panicked. It's not that I made any mistake towards him or anything. None of what happened was my fault. It was just that I froze. I couldn't and wasn't able to face him and feel all those emotional turmoil again. Not now, not when I finally feel that I was getting better, that I was healing.

They told me that he too was searching. He was looking around the hall, at every single faces. As if he was searching for someone. I don't know if that's true. But I couldn't bear to be near him now, after all that has happened. I know that he too was keeping a distance. He was also trying to keep the atmosphere neutral. He stayed amongst his friends and I stayed amongst mine. Pelik rasanya...macam budak2 pun ada gak...macam maen sembunyi2...ntah la...

None of us talk to each other throughout the night. What's funny is that, we sms'd before the show. And yet we fail to acknowledge each other that night. I don't know about him, but I even tried to not look at him at all. But obviously, I failed. I sneaked peeks at him and whenever I thought he's not looking. Don't get me wrong, but I believe that he did the same thing.

After the show, the only form of acknowledgment of each others presence was a moment of eye contact that we shared. In a split second before each of us retreated our gazes. That one moment and last moment. It felt weird. It felt final. Thus, I had a splitting headache right after that. I don't know why.

The truth is that, I missed him, terribly. As a friend...as a brother...as somebody that I could always confide in...as somebody that I would be myself when I am around him...